I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
