I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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