I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
