I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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