gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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