if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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