i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
