literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
