dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
