Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
