I'm gonna have a badass scar
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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