can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
