I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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