Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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