That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
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I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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