I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
