so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
