i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
