I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
