nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
