I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
