What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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