I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
