Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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