I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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