dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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