im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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