she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
