my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
