you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
