Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
