Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
