They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
