I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
