Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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