i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
