I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
