I feel great
I just peed on a car
my being single is dangerous.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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