Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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