Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you would pick up someone in the library
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
