before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
