Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
