you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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