I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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