tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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