I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
