thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
