I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
