I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
