Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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