Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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