I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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