Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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