sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
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Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
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My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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