Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
