For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
