I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
